Some advice for Mr. Keith Olbermann

Everyone’s favorite sportscaster-turned-troop-hater, Mr. Keith Olbermann, has this to say about the Democrats’ recent face-plant in the tug-of-war game that was the Great Iraq War Funding Debate of Aught-7:

“The Democratic leadership has surrendered to a president—if not the worst president, then easily the most selfish, in our history—who happily blackmails his own people, and uses his own military personnel as hostages to his asinine demand, that the Democrats “give the troops their money”; the Democratic leadership has agreed to finance the deaths of Americans in a war that has only reduced the security of Americans; the Democratic leadership has given Mr. Bush all that he wanted, with the only caveat being, not merely meaningless symbolism about benchmarks for the Iraqi government, but optional meaningless symbolism about benchmarks for the Iraqi government; the Democratic leadership has, in sum, claimed a compromise with the Administration, in which the only things truly compromised, are the trust of the voters, the ethics of the Democrats, and the lives of our brave, and doomed, friends, and family, in Iraq. You, the men and women elected with the simplest of directions—Stop The War—have traded your strength, your bargaining position, and the uniform support of those who elected you… for a handful of magic beans.”

Anyone can see the problem with Olbermann’s assessment: he uses big words. Words like “asinine,” “caveat,” “benchmarks.” The average American feels the same way about big words as he does about illegal aliens: tolerable when they’re working for you, but a serious threat to self-complacency in all other aspects (it is assumed for the purposes of this analogy that the average American is a white male from Texas).

Anywho, about big words. Olbermann will never get his message out to the “common folk” until he concedes that most common folk are idiots. Fortunately, I have a solution for him, one that I may be willing to part with for a significant “finder’s fee”: make complex and potentially boring political issues palatable to John Q. Public by riddling your discussions with pop-culture references. Hell, it worked for Rick Santorum!

“But Sarge,” Mr. Olbermann is no doubt saying, “could you provide an example that will really drive home how truly brilliant your idea is?” And my answer is, “anything for you, Mr. Olbermann.” Here is your condemnation of the Democratic handling of the war funding debate, re-mixed and illustrated with allusions to director Zack Snyder’s phenomenally successful blockbuster, 300.

Herein lies example 1.

Herein lies example 2.

Herein lies example 3.

So as you can see, my idea is awesome. Mr. Olbermann, I accept personal checks and money orders. And cash, so long as it is discretely placed inside my freezer.