Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Falwell Falls Ill (and Dies)

No doubt you have all heard of the death of the Reverend Jerry Falwell. Indeed, regardless of whether or not we agree with his political philosophy, we must now put aside our differences and bow our heads in memory of this uniquely American figure and pray – yes, pray – for his soul. Please recite along with me:

Oh Vishnu, Lord of All, Creator and Destroyer –

We humbly ask that you guide the departed soul of our friend Reverend Falwell into the afterlife. We know that, in his lifetime, Rev. Falwell did not believe in you, regarding you at best as a superstition of the unenlightened and at worst a tool of Satan. We know also that Rev. Falwell’s relentless pursuit of religious social policies has done more to militarize the divide between liberal and conservative in this country than almost any other individual since the Vietnam War.

And Vishnu, Endless, Eternal, Infinite –

We know that Rev. Falwell was guilty of hypocrisy of morbid proportions (one need only look at his dealings with Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church to realize that) and that the absurdity of his political posturing lead many to question if was employing tongue-in-cheek humor (see the Tinky Winky the Teletubby debacle), but please know, O Lord Vishnu, that during the entirety of his life he was as oblivious as a newborn. He truly believed that gays, feminists, and other “Christ-haters” were responsible for bringing God’s wrath down upon America on September 11th, just as he truly believed that his lawsuit against Hustler stood more than just the proverbial snowball’s chance in hell.

Speaking of hell, O Shelter of the World, we entreat you, on bended knee, to ask Lord Yama for lenience when casting Falwell’s soul into Naraka. We ask that he be subject only to those tortures which fit the nature of his transgressions, such as can be found in Dante’s Inferno, where hypocrites are forced to aimlessly wander about under gilded lead cloaks, feeling with horrific clarity every drop of sweat the falls from their brow, every tired bone growing weak and snapping. And when, in your wisdom, you have deemed that Falwell’s soul has been punished enough, we ask that he be reincarnated as a homosexual female, living in Greenwich Village, who is HIV positive.

Narayana! Jaya! OM!

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