Too Good Not to Post

Check out this music video/editorial cartoon from Nick Anderson at the Houston Chronicle (Hat tip to Andrew Sullivan). It's too good not to post. It's also a bit disturbing, so be warned.

Happy Independence Day

Americans must observe this year’s Fourth of July with a note of somberness. The country is divided politically in a manner not seen since the Sixties. We are closing out the sixth year of an increasingly bloody and unpopular War on Terrorism. At home, heated debates are taking place over the balance between civil liberties and security. In doubtful times such as these, many are looking into the past and wondering how the Founding Fathers would have handled such a predicament. In the absence of their leadership, we must look for bold new solutions for the ills of our modern era.

With the indulgence of Misters DC, Fz, and GJ, I have one of these bold solutions, one that, in my opinion, has a high chance of success. It is my belief that the United States needs courageous and forceful leadership, the kind of leadership that, because of our current structure of government, cannot be offered by a President. What the United States needs now is a king.

Only a monarch has the political and moral authority to push through all the mealy-mouthed jabbering that renders our legislatures impotent and enforce the laws which will keep this nation safe and, more importantly, on top. When New York City was under attack on 9-11, did then-mayor Rudy Giuliani call a town council meeting to deal with the chaos? Nay! Using sheer political brawn, and with the sweat from the brow of the executive branch, he single-handedly turned what was could have been the most tragic day in American history into a celebration of American resolve and durability – a day we have come to call Patriot’s Day in his honor.

America, we need an autocrat. Those bleeding-heart lie-berals in the ACLU might whine and moan, but, as they are all atheists, they forget that America, throughout her history, has been a nation beloved by God. And the Lord will not hand over His promised land to some sniveling megalomaniac with a Napoleon complex. When Americans are united in a common cause, it is a cause that has been blessed by the Almighty. If we, as Americans, choose a king to lead us, he will be a king worthy of God’s endorsement. He will have a divine mandate, and rule as God intends a nation to be ruled; and what can the ACLU say if they have a problem with God’s will?

Moreover, such a reorganization of our government would not even require a huge movement of personnel or money, just a few creative name changes. The role of president becomes, obviously, the role of King; the Cabinet becomes assorted Princes, Dukes, and Earls; and Congress becomes a Parliament for the expression of grievances of the common folk, which can be called and dissolved at the King’s demand. To keep it super-convenient, we don’t even need to choose new people to fill these roles. Prince-Regent Cheney has a nice ring to it, wouldn’t you say?

We are in a dark place, America. As we celebrate our nation’s 231st birthday, quick action is our only hope for survival. In 1776, we threw off the yolk of King George the Third; this Fourth of July, we need King George – the Second, that is.

On Online Petitions, Being a Time-Honored American Tradition

Paris Hilton has posted a blog entry on her Myspace account urging her fans to sign an online petition, begging Governor Arnold Scwarzenegger to pardon her from her 23-day jail sentence:

[Paris Hilton] provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives…

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made . If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well [emphasis added], and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.

This is a spectacular idea. Online petitions have played an important, if not central, role in American social and political activism. Take, for example, the following instances from throughout history:

In our nation’s formative early years, the Marbury v. Madison decision established the concept of judicial review, the ability of the court to determine a law’s constitutionality. Contrary to popular belief, the Supreme Court initially ruled in favor of Marbury, saying it did not have the constitutional jurisdiction to reverse acts of Congress. Secretary of State James Madison, however, protested. Because the Internet had not technically been invented yet, Madison employed the colonial equivalent, a town crier, to make the rounds of Washington, D.C., asking residents to sign a petition against this “display of government impotence” that would upset the check-and-balance system constructed two decades before and “institute a tyranny of the legislature.” The petition also referred to Marbury himself as “weak-kneed” and “effeminate,” and insinuated that he was the “lamentable product of the union betwixt a venerous strumpet and her lascivious paramour.” Remarkably, the crier was able to gather 67 signatures before being tarred and feathered by an angry mob. Ashamed and intimidated, the Supreme Court reversed its decision, clearing the way for left-wing activist judges to slowly chip away at our sacred right to pray in public schools for generations to come.

More recently, Joshua Smalls, an 11-year-old from White Plains, New York, was served what he described as a “totally gross and disgusting” helping of cream-chipped beef by his mother, Rebecca Smalls. Joshua patently refused to consume it, defying first his mother’s threats of not receiving dessert and then her vow to revoke his X-Box privileges for a month. Finally, in a burst of frustration, he was sent to his room, where he logged on to Myspace.com and wrote a hurried blog entry detailing his mother’s atrocity and urging his friends to flood her Hotmail account with messages of protest. Within 24 hours, Mrs. Smalls’ inbox became clogged with no less than 324 emails from outraged pre-teens, to the point where she was unable to send or receive any emails until she deleted them. History does not record what became of Joshua Smalls, but one can only assume that his mother folded against the awesome wrath of the online petition.

The Sixties, as we all know, were a time of great social upheaval, especially for black Americans. In the midst of the chaos, two leaders for the African-American community stepped forward – Dr. Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Unfortunately, the men advocated two very different ideologies: King was a proponent of strictly nonviolent protest, whereas X stood behind a policy of aggressive self-defense. Thus divided, the African-American community suffered from infighting and insufficient momentum – that is, until Grace Bedell, a concerned citizen and professor at UC Berkley, used one of the first BBS systems in existence to create the first modern online petition. She garnered an impressive 26 signatures, which, when forwarded to Dr. King and Mr. X, so moved the two men that they put their differences aside and fought together for significant civil rights legislation and economic opportunities. Without the Bedell’s online petition, it is doubtful that the United States would be the harmonious racial utopia it is today.

And so, we salute you, Paris Hilton, in your attempt to escape the unfair repercussions of your actions. Indeed, while today they are persecuting you, tomorrow it could be any one of us. Well, any one of us who has been pulled over for drinking and driving. Twice.

Some advice for Mr. Keith Olbermann

Everyone’s favorite sportscaster-turned-troop-hater, Mr. Keith Olbermann, has this to say about the Democrats’ recent face-plant in the tug-of-war game that was the Great Iraq War Funding Debate of Aught-7:

“The Democratic leadership has surrendered to a president—if not the worst president, then easily the most selfish, in our history—who happily blackmails his own people, and uses his own military personnel as hostages to his asinine demand, that the Democrats “give the troops their money”; the Democratic leadership has agreed to finance the deaths of Americans in a war that has only reduced the security of Americans; the Democratic leadership has given Mr. Bush all that he wanted, with the only caveat being, not merely meaningless symbolism about benchmarks for the Iraqi government, but optional meaningless symbolism about benchmarks for the Iraqi government; the Democratic leadership has, in sum, claimed a compromise with the Administration, in which the only things truly compromised, are the trust of the voters, the ethics of the Democrats, and the lives of our brave, and doomed, friends, and family, in Iraq. You, the men and women elected with the simplest of directions—Stop The War—have traded your strength, your bargaining position, and the uniform support of those who elected you… for a handful of magic beans.”

Anyone can see the problem with Olbermann’s assessment: he uses big words. Words like “asinine,” “caveat,” “benchmarks.” The average American feels the same way about big words as he does about illegal aliens: tolerable when they’re working for you, but a serious threat to self-complacency in all other aspects (it is assumed for the purposes of this analogy that the average American is a white male from Texas).

Anywho, about big words. Olbermann will never get his message out to the “common folk” until he concedes that most common folk are idiots. Fortunately, I have a solution for him, one that I may be willing to part with for a significant “finder’s fee”: make complex and potentially boring political issues palatable to John Q. Public by riddling your discussions with pop-culture references. Hell, it worked for Rick Santorum!

“But Sarge,” Mr. Olbermann is no doubt saying, “could you provide an example that will really drive home how truly brilliant your idea is?” And my answer is, “anything for you, Mr. Olbermann.” Here is your condemnation of the Democratic handling of the war funding debate, re-mixed and illustrated with allusions to director Zack Snyder’s phenomenally successful blockbuster, 300.

Herein lies example 1.

Herein lies example 2.

Herein lies example 3.

So as you can see, my idea is awesome. Mr. Olbermann, I accept personal checks and money orders. And cash, so long as it is discretely placed inside my freezer.

Falwell Falls Ill (and Dies)

No doubt you have all heard of the death of the Reverend Jerry Falwell. Indeed, regardless of whether or not we agree with his political philosophy, we must now put aside our differences and bow our heads in memory of this uniquely American figure and pray – yes, pray – for his soul. Please recite along with me:

Oh Vishnu, Lord of All, Creator and Destroyer –

We humbly ask that you guide the departed soul of our friend Reverend Falwell into the afterlife. We know that, in his lifetime, Rev. Falwell did not believe in you, regarding you at best as a superstition of the unenlightened and at worst a tool of Satan. We know also that Rev. Falwell’s relentless pursuit of religious social policies has done more to militarize the divide between liberal and conservative in this country than almost any other individual since the Vietnam War.

And Vishnu, Endless, Eternal, Infinite –

We know that Rev. Falwell was guilty of hypocrisy of morbid proportions (one need only look at his dealings with Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church to realize that) and that the absurdity of his political posturing lead many to question if was employing tongue-in-cheek humor (see the Tinky Winky the Teletubby debacle), but please know, O Lord Vishnu, that during the entirety of his life he was as oblivious as a newborn. He truly believed that gays, feminists, and other “Christ-haters” were responsible for bringing God’s wrath down upon America on September 11th, just as he truly believed that his lawsuit against Hustler stood more than just the proverbial snowball’s chance in hell.

Speaking of hell, O Shelter of the World, we entreat you, on bended knee, to ask Lord Yama for lenience when casting Falwell’s soul into Naraka. We ask that he be subject only to those tortures which fit the nature of his transgressions, such as can be found in Dante’s Inferno, where hypocrites are forced to aimlessly wander about under gilded lead cloaks, feeling with horrific clarity every drop of sweat the falls from their brow, every tired bone growing weak and snapping. And when, in your wisdom, you have deemed that Falwell’s soul has been punished enough, we ask that he be reincarnated as a homosexual female, living in Greenwich Village, who is HIV positive.

Narayana! Jaya! OM!