Happy Independence Day

Americans must observe this year’s Fourth of July with a note of somberness. The country is divided politically in a manner not seen since the Sixties. We are closing out the sixth year of an increasingly bloody and unpopular War on Terrorism. At home, heated debates are taking place over the balance between civil liberties and security. In doubtful times such as these, many are looking into the past and wondering how the Founding Fathers would have handled such a predicament. In the absence of their leadership, we must look for bold new solutions for the ills of our modern era.

With the indulgence of Misters DC, Fz, and GJ, I have one of these bold solutions, one that, in my opinion, has a high chance of success. It is my belief that the United States needs courageous and forceful leadership, the kind of leadership that, because of our current structure of government, cannot be offered by a President. What the United States needs now is a king.

Only a monarch has the political and moral authority to push through all the mealy-mouthed jabbering that renders our legislatures impotent and enforce the laws which will keep this nation safe and, more importantly, on top. When New York City was under attack on 9-11, did then-mayor Rudy Giuliani call a town council meeting to deal with the chaos? Nay! Using sheer political brawn, and with the sweat from the brow of the executive branch, he single-handedly turned what was could have been the most tragic day in American history into a celebration of American resolve and durability – a day we have come to call Patriot’s Day in his honor.

America, we need an autocrat. Those bleeding-heart lie-berals in the ACLU might whine and moan, but, as they are all atheists, they forget that America, throughout her history, has been a nation beloved by God. And the Lord will not hand over His promised land to some sniveling megalomaniac with a Napoleon complex. When Americans are united in a common cause, it is a cause that has been blessed by the Almighty. If we, as Americans, choose a king to lead us, he will be a king worthy of God’s endorsement. He will have a divine mandate, and rule as God intends a nation to be ruled; and what can the ACLU say if they have a problem with God’s will?

Moreover, such a reorganization of our government would not even require a huge movement of personnel or money, just a few creative name changes. The role of president becomes, obviously, the role of King; the Cabinet becomes assorted Princes, Dukes, and Earls; and Congress becomes a Parliament for the expression of grievances of the common folk, which can be called and dissolved at the King’s demand. To keep it super-convenient, we don’t even need to choose new people to fill these roles. Prince-Regent Cheney has a nice ring to it, wouldn’t you say?

We are in a dark place, America. As we celebrate our nation’s 231st birthday, quick action is our only hope for survival. In 1776, we threw off the yolk of King George the Third; this Fourth of July, we need King George – the Second, that is.